fontosaurus

First, lemme thank all of you who have been so supportive of me in my quest for the new job. It's meant a lot to me. I owe all of you for the good karma, encouragement, good thoughts, etc. I'm not sure how I'll repay the kindnesses, but I'm sure I will...

Anyway, for those that don't have all the details yet... I have a position that's an 8 to 12 week contract, fulltime, with the potential to go full-time after the contract is up. It's with the Carlson Leisure Group -- one of the Carlson companies. Schwanky facilities over by where 494 and 394 join up. $26 per hour. I am going to go in there, kick ass, and take names. I'll be doing some intranet development and design, and doing some stuff with their travel bonus site. Should be pretty fun. I'll be doing a lot of front-end user-interface stuff, and some light ASP and ColdFusion dev... I'm totally looking forward to it.

Friday evening I hauled ass down to Mankato to hang out with Carolyn...we were going to go out and get hammered, but by the time I got there, I was pretty tired. We played a bit of Chez Geek, then went down to the bars. I didn't feel like crowds, so we went over to Mexican Village, and had a tequila shot and a beer. Then to bed.

Saturday, we came up here and helped Dave shop for a new Macintosh system. He, as usual, was very methodical about what he should buy. In the end, he got a new G4 desktop. 933 MHz, 768MB RAM, 60GB internal drive, and then an additional 120GB external drive, a new digital camera, a router (which I have to help him configure once his cable service is back online), and some other miscellany. Oh yeah, and a 17" flatscreen. Beautiful system -- I'm mucho jealouso.

Anyway, after setup fun and getting him hooked up with a bunch of the important software, and then Carolyn, myself, Dave, and Kristin went over to Calhoun and went rollerblading. Quite fun. Kristin and Carolyn called it time for a rest after the first lap, and Dave and I did a faster second lap while they sucked down Powerade and kibbitzed.

Carolyn and I went and cleaned up and then had dinner at the Something Original Roadhouse Grill Something Something, which was good. They seem to be an Americanized knock-off of the Outback Steakhouse...their Bloomin' Onion equivelent wasn't very good. The steak and garlic mashed potatoes were awesome, however. Once I got us to 169, she drove the rest of the way -- I was so tired, I fell asleep almost immediate, woke up briefly in LeSueur, and then woke up again in Mankato. Crashed out.

This morning, we went and had a healthy (yeah, right) McDonald's breakfast, then went and saw Lilo and Stitch. Normally, I have a love-hate relationship with Disney. You can never fault the art, music, etc., it's just sometimes a little to saccharine for my tastes. This one isn't the typical Disney fare -- it's got a lot of juvenile humor and a lot of non-whitebread/suburban characters. It managed to make me laugh like hell, and even had me a little choked up at a couple of points. Does that make me a wuss? So be it.

Anyway, I also hit Old Navy -- mom was nice enough to float me $100 for some biz casual clothes, and lo and behold, they had polo shirts on sale, so I grabbed a trio of them. I'm going to hit a few other places tomorrow for more. Variety good. Variety very good.

I guess working in biz clothes is the last step in growing up eh? I can't say I won't miss the jeans-and-t-shirt jobs, but I miss money more than I'll ever miss that.

So Saturday's agenda did not go exactly as planned. Went rollerblading around Calhoun with Batgar (Dan), Ben, and Karl and his wife Carla; Ben's fianceé opted to go for a run instead of blading. Carla did two easy laps and we (the guys) did three very fast laps... I've determined I have been putting in too many hard rides and not enough recovery rides...as soon as we started, my heart rate shot up to near redline, and I just wasn't able to recover at all. That's bad. So I'm going to take a couple-o'-three days to sit back, relax, and just take short, slow rides, and recover from the pounding I've been putting on my cardiovascular system. Also -- I think the stem on my bike might be a hair too long...the lower back has been twinging a lot lately after rides, and I'm really getting a lot of work on the muscles down there...they're tired all the time.

So anyway, afterwards, I dropped off Ben and Heather at Ben's place and followed Batgar over to his place. He gave me this old USB color inkjet he got for nothing...clearing out the house he is. Turns out that he and the wife are "with child" -- I'm quite happy for them...they've been trying for awhile.

Anyway, after that, I hit McD's for a cheeseburger -- my first meal of the day. Yum!

Then I decided to meet a friend at Valleyfair for the day. Hell yeah! Right off the bat, we went straight over to Wild Thing and got a front seat for it. Dayam! What a ride! Total rush! The downside was, all the coasters were pretty anticlimactic after that. We did make a point to ride all of the coasters in the part at least once, esp. given that most of the lines were pretty short. The breakdown was this: Wild Thing x2, High Roller x1, Excalibur x1, the new Wild Mouse coaster x1, the Corkscrew x3 (front, middle, and back). We also hit the Power Tower (a "Whoa Belly" for those of you that have played Roller Coaster Tycoon) -- both sides...the launch and the drop. We also hit the go-karts and one water ride. And I won a stuffed Spiderman at one of the games... I was stoked. We tried to avoid the wussy rides. By the time we'd done all that, we were pretty well exhausted and split.

Last night I was asleep before my head hit the pillow. Slept like a log. Today, all my muscles are tiiiiired. I'm going to sit here and write some code today and get those fonts finished. :-)

Other stuff:

Don't ask me, I just work here.

The most important thought of the 20th century: When your only tool is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.

Public Service Announcement for those of you that have not seen it yet.

Chez Geek. One of the "most funnest" card games ever. Right now, my only competitors are never around. Once I get a place of my own again, I need to get some beer and a bottle of Cuervo and get a bunch of people to come over and play. Fucking hilarious game. :-)

WHY GOD? WHY? WHY THE EASTER BUNNY, YOU CRUEL FUCKER?

Tags: bike, dating, funny, geek, lists

Well, I went to a Twins game last night with my buddy mso, expecting to see the Twins do well, given their recent run of good luck. It was not to be. As it stands, EVERY baseball game I've ever gone to, the home team loses. Tonight was no different. The first couple innings were alright, but then in the 5th, they opened up on us and ran the score up to 9-0. We toughed it out until the end of the 6th, when the score was 11-0. We bailed.

Sitting there, though, I came to the realization that the Twins do need a new stadium. The dome fucking sucks. It was a beautiful night last night, and to have an open sky over the place would have made the game much better, even with them losing. There's something sterile about eating Dome Dogs and watching baseball under a roof. Ah well. The company was good, anyway.

I came home, futzed around on LJ for a bit, talked to some people on AIM, and read some of the third Harry Potter book before crashing out for the night.

When I woke up this morning, I was instantly alert and completely awake, and the sky was just beginning to lighten. Time for a good session of introspection, right? Sure. I started thinking about my friends who got married in their early or mid 20's...and I felt both envious of them and sorry for them. Is that odd? Part of me wishes I had something as stable and sure as that in my life, but the other part of me is so glad that I have my freedom, that being an unmarried guy at 29 (almost 30! yow!) doesn't really bother me. I just wonder if that sense of freedom is going to be what keeps me from it, and how I can balance the two.

I was close to getting married once. I opted to end the relationship instead. I'm sure that a part of it was my independent streak. She wanted someone who would bring home the bacon (to borrow a phrase from timmyeatworld) and let her sit around the house and pump out babies, and I want someone who can have a life of their own and not depend on me for everything. Because two independent people together are better than one independent person and someone looking for her M.R.S. (Mrs.) degree.

It's not that I have a fear of commitment -- I just can't envision marrying someone like Kristin, who wanted nothing more than to watch TV, see movies, and hang around the house. It felt like she was in a competition with her friends to see who would have the most extravagent wedding, the best honeymoon, etc. -- I'm not kidding. I'm just glad I realized these things before I put a ring on her finger.

So I'm free, and I'm happy. I don't have a job yet, which puts a crimp in my social life, but even as such, I'm getting out, having fun, and I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. I'm so happy I came back to Minnesota. :-)

Anyhow, I'm off to the Mall. Need some clothes-- sandals and shorts.

Why do I always feel like a complete jerk after I break up with someone?

Carolyn and I discussed my depression this weekend, and I think we came to the conclusion that having a routine will be very helpful for me. My routine starts today/tomorrow. Today's kinda whacked b/c I was an extra in a friend's indie movie...that took most of my morning.

As for Carolyn, I need to do something about that situation. She's used the "L" word twice...the first only 5 weeks into dating her. I'm not afraid of committment, but I'm not ready for the end-all be-all relationship yet, you know? *sigh* She's fun, smart, great, etc....but there's just something missing. We have a lot in common, and I like hanging out with her, she's a great friend, but... But.

Anyway, beyond that, nothing exciting to report. Rollerblading, yet another viewing of AOTC, the X-Files finale, and so on...

That posting on Friday? It culminated with me telling a friend to "fuck off", in essence. Not something I do lightly, and not something I'm sure I should have done. I feel bad about it...and not sure if I should let it stay dead, or at least tender an apology. *sigh*

Is it any wonder I'm depressed? No job, no money, stuck living at home temporarily, and now I'm pushing people away from me.

Ugh. I'm such a basketcase.

Well, I started to write a whole tirade in here...someone on my friends list posting about being in a long-distance relationship got me to thinking about an ex. But the more I typed, the more I realized I had to say, and I think the last thing any of you needs it to be dragged through the whole history of my messy relationship with Kristin. Let's just say it was bad, and that I let it go on a lot longer than it should have because I didn't want to hurt her. But in the end, it was as inevitable as the tides. The continuation of the relationship was destroying me. So I chose to put me first. So I guess what it boils down to is: I've gotten over the relationship, but I have never gotten over the hurt in her face and in her voice when I ended it. (For reference, listen to "Break Your Heart" by Barenaked Ladies...that song describes it perfectly.)

I can't say I didn't learn anything. I learned to fall in love with someone, not what they represent. I learned to put my happiness before that of other people. I learned not to move halfway across the country to be with someone I hardly know. I learned that you're always going to lose a big percentage of your mutual friends. I learned that it's very easy to make yourself fall in love with someone.

Jaded? Nope. I still want to love like a poet and fuck like a pornstar. I want to talk about everything and nothing, over a cup of coffee. I want someone that can dish it out and take it in return. I want a woman who can trust me on something but still call me on my bullshit. Someone to laugh with, explore with, confide in, hide behind, stand up for, wake up next to. Someone that will want to spend time with me, but give me my space when I need it. Someone who understands that the driver chooses the music. That appreciates the hedonism of a pair of socks fresh out of the dryer on a winter day. That understands why my cats are as important to me as if they were children. Someone that understands that while I'm in my 20's, sometimes the little kid in me wants to poke around in the toy store (Lego!) or go race bicycles.

Jaded? That's not exactly a "soup question"... :-)

Operation: Desert Storm Junior
Northern Arizona Theatre of Operations
4 July 2001 - 9 July 2001

Sounds nuts, but I paid a visit to Arizona in the middle of summer for a vacation, and it was one of the best I've been on in a looooong while. I'm kinda tired at the moment and would like some more sleep, so I will summarize with a few bullet points, and will probably provide a full debriefing at a later date:

Airline travel can really suck ass, you know? Coming home was delay after disaster after delay.

I got to stand on the famed "corner in Winslow, Arizona" -- such a fine sight to see. No girl, my lord, in a flatbed Ford slowing down to take a look at me. (There was one painted on a nearby wall, however.)

Barringer Meteor Crater is totally cool. Knock, knock! Who's there? Ka! Ka who? Ka-Boom! 4000 feet across, and the actual crater is 550 feet deep (with the ejecta around the edges counted, it's actually about 700 feet deep). The weird thing is, when you're standing at the edge, it looks smaller than it actually is. Hard to explain...I guess being down inside the crater, you can't see any of the surrounding terrain to use as a reference point.

Flagstaff. Kinko's. Internet access.

Excellent steak.

Views of over 100 miles.

The smell of the desert just before it rains.

Watching The Matrix on my laptop, in-flight.

BEST OF ALL: Getting to see my friend whom I hadn't seen in four years (almost to the day), and to spend time with her again. Conversations that I'll remember four or five years down the road. Grocery shopping. Road trips. The strain of a 4-cylinder engine on some hills. Watching baby bunnies. Snuggling. Movies. Cooking.

All in all, the best vacation I've been on in quite some time. :-)

Tags: dating, travel

Sorry I haven't posted an update to this lately. I've been preparing for a trip to Arizona for the 4th of July weekend, and I'm stoked about that. A lot besides that has been going on. I'm still racing BMX -- I have two third-place finishes to my credit, one of which occured the week after my nasty crash (see previous entry). Been working on some groovy new fonts, writing, working two jobs, and trying to catch up on my reading list...

Okay, so much in my brain this time, that this is going to be a pretty long entry, written over the course of the day. (I'm still at the office and trying not to implode.)

I guess we can start with Last Night.

About 11pm, I decided I had to have some caffeine. Hopped into the XTerra and drove to the grocery store. While I was there, I saw a rack of those old Golden Books. When I was a little tyke, I loved those things...even as a child, I read voraciously, and my parents read to me constantly... Seeing the rack didn't remind me of childhood, strangely enough... It reminded me of a time a few years ago when I was visiting a girlfriend and we were staying at her granddad's place. I was in the guest room, and there on the bookshelf was a very old, battered copy of Scuffy the Tugboat -- my absolute favorite Golden Book, growing up... This was one of the original copies, with the heavy cardboard cover, as opposed to the new laminated crap. I couldn't help it -- I pulled it off the shelf, and took a look. Inside the cover, in the "This Golden Book Belongs To" section, was my girlfriend's name in the non-self-conscious writing of a five-year-old.

Now for a long time in my life, I was plagued by feelings of being generally inadequate for anything -- relationships, work, school, etc. -- and I always felt unworthy, particularly in that relationship. I guess it wasn't conscious thoughts of unworthiness...more of a general feeling that I didn't belong, that I just couldn't be a part of this girl's life in any meaningful way...she had this rich history that I would barely qualify as a footnote in, and something in that handwriting hammered that point home. A month later when she broke up with me, I didn't fight it, I just went with the flow -- whether that was due to a sense of relief, or because I was too tired to fight it, I don't recall. I like to think it was the latter.

Last night, I realized that why we're talking again, why she's interested again, is because I've cast off those feelings of inadequacy, that I've dropped my self-consciousness, and like a five-year-old, I'm (again) confident of just being who I am. I don't know how much sense this makes, if any. I don't much care...it just feels good to finally be able to be completely true to myself and to have the respect of someone because of it.

And now the hard part of this blog entry -- trying to segue between deep thought and lighter fare. Too tough for my current state of mind...let's just make the cut abruptly:

So ever since I bought the newest Rage Against the Machine CD and looked at the liner notes, I've taken to writing subversive messages on my money. I picked up Starbuck's for a co-worker on my way in to the office this morning, and she paid me back at lunchtime. I immediately added a couple of gems of knowledge to them -- "Spending This Will Not Make You Feel Better" and "This is What 'The Man' Uses to Control You"... Aren't I just the regular counter-culture sonofabitch? I'm considering having a contest to see who can come up with the best "Money Message"...

I'm going to try to get two new fonts out tonight -- Chairman Mao is something I've been working on for awhile now, and Uhop was inspired by the IHOP font... When they're released, they'll be strictly donationware ($2). Uhop will actually be Uhop Lite... Uhop Deluxe will probably become my first Deluxe Font (pay $X to get a copy emailed to you), and will contain a massive character set.

The other thing is, I NEED DINGBATS SETS. I'd been working on a set of Dinosaur Dingbats, incorporating designs sent in by "fans" -- ONLY ONE PERSON HAS SUBMITTED A DINOSAUR DRAWING. SO GET UP OFF YOUR LAZY ASSES, GET A BLACK PEN, SOME WHITE PAPER, AND SEND ME SOME HAND-DRAWN DINOSAURS, DAMMIT. :-) People will think you're cool if you have your art in a Fontosaurus dingbat set... ;-)

Anyway, I am going to go. I actually have work to do. This isn't as long as I was hoping it would be, but I'm starting to feel guilty for doing Blog updates at the office.

Well, color me horribly, horribly mortified and embarrassed. This entry will be serving as a public, open apology for earlier terrible behaviour on my part.

I was dating someone years back, and at her graduation dinner with her whole family. The waitress asked me how I wanted my steak, and what I said was, well, a combination of nervousness, tripping over my words, and just being an ass. I said, "Extremely well done, bordering on Holocaust victim."

Oops. What I meant to say was, "Nuclear holocaust." Which, while not much better a thing to say, doesn't carry the horrible implications of my actual words.

Let me clarify: I am not even remotely anti-Semetic. I cannot stand racism, and harbor a great deal of animosity toward white supremacists and neo-Nazis.

So, intentions aside, I screwed up. Big time. I made an ass of myself and was an embarrassment to everyone at the dinner table. For that, I would like to extend my deepest apologies to Denei and the entire Slowik family. I hope that they can forgive me, but I'll understand if they don't. My words, regardless of intent, were inexcusable, and for that I'm truly sorry.

(I'm sorry if this isn't my usual light-hearted fare, but lately, I've been thinking about who and what I have been over the last few years. I came to the realization that most of my arrogant, brash behavior was nothing more than a mask for insecurity and weakness. And I didn't like the realization. But rather than tell myself I was wrong, I decided to do something about it. You see, some mornings, looking in the mirror is like looking down the barrel of a gun. You may not realize it, but you're killing yourself with your actions and your behavior. You may not wake up dead the next day, but what you're doing is pushing people away, and building a life that will be very empty and shallow. And trust me, that's something you don't want. Three or four years ago, I might not have cared about my actions, but I certainly do now, and I wish I could take a lot of them back.)